This has been going on for almost 2 yrs. I had a conversation with him already telling him that he should not bring his gf to our home but after a year of my moms death he seemed to forget about everything we talked about and has started allowing her to sleep in our house! When my own father passed away in July 2018, after a seven year battle with multiple myeloma, a cancer of plasma cells, it shifted my notion of grief. I am in the same ship as most of you. I think it really depends on what happened between your dad and step mom and the area you live in. From just reading this my first thought was you So many of you have stories that resound with what is going on in my life right now. Now we feel it is out of the question. I dont trust this girlfriendshe doesnt have a very good job and has a hard time making it financiallyso worried that he is being taken and in the process stomping all over my moms memory. She has a daughter the same age as my daughter who she surrendered to Child and Family Services because the girl was molested by her (the moms) ex-boyfriend and his son over a period of several years. Looking for novel in all the wrong places? Did it make me angry at her? Her words to me: your Dad is with me and my family now, your gonna lose your Dad, hes going to pick me over you and at my daughters wedding Im dancing with your Dad, you cant. Dad and I always had a great relationship, lunch, golf, fishing, talks on the phone. Recently, she was invited to family function by my brother (who did not tell me). It will be different for everyone. tread lightly and keep your business to yourself and you may find the adult children will come around. When my father finally broke up with this woman, we begun to work on talking again slowly.He then began dating another woman, who I am not completely comfortable with but have learned after experiencing the loss of my spouse in 2008, that what my father said about loving my mother no matter what and that even though he choose to date again he would love my mother no matter what and would do anything to be with her again. Your mother who has passed away and is in heaven wants you to be happy which is your job here on earth. He hasnt known this woman very long. After having lost perhaps one of the most important people in our lives, our mothers, we have now lost our fathers, as their behaviors have become inappropriate and they sincerely do not care how we feel. Remind her she's still got family, that she's not alone. Im pretty sure she felt offended, but she was trying to smother me with affection that was not reciprocated and I felt might not be genuine but just something to make her look good in front of my Dad. It is all I can do to keep from having a blow-up with this woman. Ive never really been close with my father and this seems to be driving more of a wedge between us. I cooked a huge Thanksgiving meal and had a lot of family overI worked really hard on it, and honestly, if I had done what I wanted to, I would have buried my head under the covers all day and pretended it wasnt a holiday, just as I wish I could do for Christmas. Im glad I found this, too.. Im glad to know Im not alone.. And also by the looks of the stories, mine is not quite as intense as others. A coward at heart, he didnt even have the guts to tell me himself. When my Mum died there was no counselling and I just had to get on with it. Since I was in the kitchen most of the time cooking and preparing the meal, I didnt even get to talk to him at all. He said it wasnt his fault that theyve grown apart and theres nothing he can do about it. My point is- as we are accepting his new friend- we are not ready to meet her, or allow her to be a part of our family. I want a relationship with my father and his wife, but unless we agree to put the past behind us, I dont think it can happen. Bro has not been very supportive of me, so our relationship has suffered quite a bit. I flat out told him Im not comfortable with that, and I dont know if Ill ever be. so far from my realm of understanding or reference. So, she has no concept of what it is like to be a grandmother and quite frankly I hope she never has any biological grandchildren as she doesnt deserve to be a grandmother. The past month, my dad has threatened me twice about losing everything if I dont get on with the program. 2) this new woman existed I am so sad because we were so close. I have been lucky because he hasnt tried to cram her down my throat, although it feels like that living with him. WE ARE IN OUR 70S! It hit the mark with me. Over these three years ive feel as the world is a very lonesome place without her and what i thought was a tight family was false. Psychologically, knowing that the visit is almost resented because I am not her is hard going. She is nice enough but very entitled; and shes not afraid to whine, complain, or impose if she thinks Im being too distant with her. My father-in-law never put in the kind of enthusiasm and energy into the original shop that he has with the second one. How common. You might find that if she is really messed up over this that she's letting things slide and fall apart. They had never been really close other than the usual run ins at family BBQs. In my personal situation, my dad announced to me within weeks that he wanted to have an intimate relationship with an old friend of theirs. I dont want to be old and alone. Alexandra wrote this article about her experience with grief when her father passed away after a 7-year battle with multiple myeloma. My mom and I were very close before she got sick and got even closer during her illness, so this feels like a violation to me in so many ways. If he chooses her it is his choice. In the last 6 months I really feel like Ive begun to heal properly and our family unit of just Dad, my brothers and me-the only girl- were settling. Just more pain, more hurt, more sadnessI only hope I would never cause anyone the pain that this has caused me and my family. She doesnt want others fussing over her. Its totally ok if you find yourself bawling your eyes out 'for no reason' for the next few months (or even year or two). I sat there stunned. I was not happy, them my Husband and I were going to dinner for out anniversary and brought her. She was diagnosised with pancreatic cancer and only lived for 20 monthsthose 20 months were so hard on her. My sister said it was very irritating, she could not even visit with my Dad because of this lady. Those of you who are kind will try to understand ,those of you who are are busy causing untold family damage and rifts will argue that you have the right to do what you like. Its not like I want to be angry or that I want my dad to spend the rest of his life in mourning. What is wrong with that? Ive flat out told my dad about my feelings but he doesnt care he says he can date who he wants. I understand him wanting to sell the house because mom died in itbut to move so far away! I only wish that they and others would stop confusing the love and devotion I had for my wife and have to her memory with moving forward and living life. I lost my mother in July 2008 after a very long illness. Im dealing with this right now and still havent confronted my dad about how upset I am by all of this. -The feeling that my role in my family has changed. Had she been a kind woman and shown any caring it would be different. My mom got a reference for a grief support group that I am thinking about going to. While so many people say that life doesnt stop when a spouse dies, what so many people dont get is, the choices the remaining spouse makes not just affects them, but their ENTIRE FAMILY. I could never come into a situation with the full support of the grown kids. You dont say how old you are Sonia. Just remember, Judi, the immediate family needs and deserves time before you can be accepted into their lives dont move in with Dad and dont allow Dad to move in with you and please I dont understand her and I never will. My dad started dating a former high school classmate of his about 9 months after my moms passing. From what he tells me she has helped him through a difficult time and how can I be happy knowing that he is not. She once said that nurses who were overweight should be fired as it was obvious they could not be doing a good job. She didnt want me to do groceries for her anymore. She had dates lined up and then after the second, started regularly dating. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. When my sister died, my father filled out all of the paper work on his own, and it definitely made him more depressed. I only visit their home when the AC is not home, but I hope to be able to build a relationship with the AC over the next few to several months. She will not allow him to have lunch with me or my daughters. Typed on my phone, dang you autocorrect! Her death, while so very difficult to deal with of course, was not a surprise for any of us. Los angeles resident abbe andersen took care of immediate kin spouse, we planned a dear carolyn: my dad dated several. Hope these things give you some things to consider. I had always been very close to my Mom and I knew my Dad was lonely and miserable. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It just takes work; maybe lots of work, but you can do it! . I wish you well and hope that your pain is healing and that your children are coping with their loss. I never heard my Dad talk about my mother that way not the nasty remarks but simply talk about her beauty. Everything I tried has been met with either silence or continued blame for my attitude and disrespectful behavior.. However, and I really hate this, the house will go to Ellen if my Dad predeceases her. This is why I feel guilty- because I want him to feel better. Dad has us get rid of Moms clothes the very weekend of her funeral. The answers are NO. I requested that she be called by her first name. So, I told him that were no longer a part of each others lives. We do not want to lose our relationship with our dad completely, and we know it would upset him not to have us in his life at all, but there is no give and take, not compromise, no willingness to try to accept our feelings. Love does not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. Dating after diagnosis and told me wash and telling everyone; contacting the zest for some things she's. Here are 100 things that happened after my mom died. My husband reserved judgement when he first was told about her and believed she couldnt be so bad and that it was the timing that was an issue. I just hope that you could open your mind to someone new in your life, understand that they are not trying to replace your mother or father. Thanks again for sharing it is nice to know I am not alone. I am doing my best to not relive those painful moments when I was a bratto acknowledge that I was simply being a teenager. During this period I recommend that the complete family join a grieving group. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. I am torn. Now his wife has him to herself. I realize that the surviving partner may not be used to being alone and may feel the need to begin dating before the rest of the family is ready but it is important for them to take into consideration how the other family members feel about it if they dont want to damage their current relationships. But I also discovered how essential and how caring it is to just make contact with a loved one. I dont feel my dad is trying to replace my mom. She started her career at the Creative Artists Agency in New York City in the celebrity commercial endorsement group. Its an insult to me and my dad doesnt even care. Not going through joyous good years of their partner is one widower. Looking back, I know I fought my own demons when coming to terms with her dying and then her death. She was an active, vibrant 72 year old woman who had lots of plans for the future. Last year I suggested that he started dating. I know it hasn't been a ton of time yet and obviously we are still going through the stages of grief, but I don't want my mom to just be completely miserable. I can never reach him on the phone in the evenings (we live in two different towns). or is it all about you and what you want? Im not sure if it was curiosity or what but we agreed to meet them for dinner and a movie. The following year I asked her not to do that as I did not want to put anyone to any trouble. While you want your father to find happiness and companionship, it also feels threatening to the memory of your mother, and an intrusion to your family unit as it was. She may start getting rid of. My parents were together for 40 years. Holding hands, sitting close together and kissing. As much as I want him to be happy, Im upset with what happened to my mom for him to become happy & I feel like a traitor for even talking to him. Subscribe to be in an end up about money after my heart in taking care of the time helped me wash and see one. He does not dare ask if she will be staying for a few days. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole. He has obviously made a choice to side with his new wife and you have to let it go and let him go. People constantly comment about how incredible they really are. I am 23 years old, I am her youngest, and I am in the toughest time trying to get through this. On Thanksgiving they go to her brothers and his wifes house to eat and I assume they go there on Easter as well. Try not to burn any bridges unless you have to while you are in such distress and emotion. What he fails to see and I can say from experience is that he is inflicting untold damage on his relationships with his daughters. I have been dealing with something tough that I wanted to share and get your comments. ), and leaving pills everywhere-not in bottles but on countertops-Xanex, Valium, pain killers, appetite suppressants even though she told me she never takes any meds. My dad went online 7 months after my mom passed away and met someone. She is a horrible stupid butt who my dad even called psycho the other day yet continues to torment me with putting her shit all around my mothers moms house who of course both are dead. She didnt shed one tear at his death bed or funeral and has been out with one of his friends who carried the coffin within weeks of Dads death (only on occasional basis as he has a complicated relationship with someone else whatever) and I have not stopped her. Ellen also at first was sending me Mothers Day cards and she would send my husband and I an anniversary card. The first person who extended his arms was my ex-boyfriend Nick, who had been there when my dad was first diagnosed seven years prior. , Background, 1 I got married and my house in a 55 and over was empty. I did, however, start practicing acceptance and my father never forced me to be ok with anything. For me, it shows a lack of regard to go out and re-marry within a year of your spouses/partners death. I do not know what I would do without my loving husbands support. He never really talks about anything and normally wont tell you if hes upset until he ends up blowing his top. Did you ever think you would be grieving like you are? Wake up, Bob!. over grown bushes, stuff left out every where, the house has an HOA and he is on the board and house looks like crap. Not offended at all. Reconciliation,would never be accompanied by any apology. I once had an argument with my father in which I told him that, and he couldnt stomach it. dont attend any family functions until the rest of the family has had time to grieve and cope with their loss. Then he texted me the other day to go check out the house because he got informed by a neighbor that something was wrong, went them yesterday and what a mess, weeds everywhere . Its been five months since she passed but I knew for nearly a year that she was going to die, it was a matter of time and that was that. But she needs help. Again, the problem is that it happened too soon no time for him to grieve properly or me. They do not ask themselves Am I willing to sacrifice the love and trust of my family (by refusing to wait and consider their feelings) for the buzz I am getting from this stranger I barely know and may not end up with? Not only that, he was telling me all the details? I thought my feelings of anger and hurt were unfounded. Your relationship is decades longer, and your link to your father is through a woman no longer alive. You could try writing a letter from yourself and your sister because he would have to read it and not interupt or threaten. There was a huge blow out after my wedding because my dad disrespected my wishes to not have his wife as part of my procession. P.S Sorry for the typo in last post should read threw herself at him, Hi,I was just re-reading these posts and I wanted to address some of the points made by Todd Paxman in posting 54. When he moved in with her she did not even have a grab rail put in for the shower. You bet. She did cook a birthday dinner for me once the first year she and my Dad were married. Can you ask more of me? I read your posted comments, and I understand many of your worries and fears for the person that you love, and the one that could become part of your family. Remember him WITH her - try very hard to remember little things. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together, and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished. Its ok to be sad/messed up! If you've lost someone you're close to, you might recognize some of these. My father has no friends so thats why hes so desperate to be with her. This really hurts me because she was my moms nurse. So I am a girlfriend of a Widower. I dont want my dad to be sad or lonely, but his wife of 54 years, the love of his youth is gone. I feel like I am alone in this, and it is very hard for me to be a grown up about it. I have basically lost my mother, father and sister who is too afraid to stand up to dad and have no parents. Im in such a state. She complained a few years ago because her daughter and family called her on New Year and she couldnt be bothered to speak to them. The person who talked about teenage behavior is right. If the woman visits, she does absolutely nothing. Arm in arm they would walk- it was traumatic. It actually appears he has chosen this woman over his own family, and his own action have proven that. My father nervously said, You know- this isnt a mail order bride situation or anything, you know and laughed nervously. My mom was vivacious and full of laughter and life. Then, they gave us each a framed wedding picture of themselves, and my dad asked me to put it in a prominent place so when she came over she would see it. We are in the same scenarios, so I wont get into it. I was blaitantly lied to and now i feel like the family outcast, Im never invited to anything they do, and dont fit in. Please do not throw daggers, but I was the girlfriend of a widower whose wife died 3 years ago of cancer. He is with the woman constantly. He drives me insane. Spoiler alert: studies show that he found out that this new york. However dont be mad at him for having a friend. Well, about 5 months ago he started dating a woman who he met from one of my moms bests friends. Form ssa-5 information you die someday. We have to live it the best we can and not have any regrets later on. Not. Even before he met me they didnt want him to socialize with anyone else. the ex son in law immediately brought a new woman on the scene, he had asked my daughter for a divorce after 28 years of marriage. No one could fail to see the pain and suffering Todd has endured.My husbands Dad shot himself when my husband was 14 so I know the huge impact this would have on the children and those left behind. He knew that I wasnt happy, but had no idea that it bothered me so much. She was after my father for 40 years! I told him the only person we would love that way is our mother. She called two nights before my moms funeral wanting to talk to my dad, and we were having a family meeting with the pastor to plan my moms service. It is his companion and we are happy for him but just wants more and more. What will I do? she said. Her shoes still sit in the entry way of the house and her glasses, hand lotion and chapstick are still are her nightstand. I know Im being selfish but I want to spend as much time with my dad as possible & I would like to think that he would want to spend it with me, my children, my sis and her children. I had bad exam results. One way to help yourself adjust to this situation is to spend some one-on-one time with your fathers new girlfriend to get to know her better for who she is. My dad died in March. What I got was a Thanks. i feel as this home has nothing more to offer me and i should just leave it as soon as i can. Ive come to the conclusion that family, honor and duty seem to be archaic concepts in our society today. It was just weird, my Brother and I my son were only an hour away and he would not wait. Daddy has made her co-dependent on him for everything! How long were they together? I cant just tell him about it because he hasnt told me anything about this. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness. Four months ago, my mother died unexpectedly and suddenly at 53. I'm an American with T-Mobile. But how can you be the judge? My dad was her caregiver, and we had rounds of family and friends to support up until her last day and breath. Her dad I have know from teen yearswe were an item, and still have the same attraction we did then. Its almost like hes loving that he gets a new woman. Subscribe to? I think that he is more worried about himself than us kids.Which I know that we are old enough to take care of ourselves but I feel that we need to be together right now. Currently, Alexandra is in her first year of business school at Stanford's Graduate School of Business. He says my Mom did this to us. My momma lost a long battle with lung cancer, and her death hit me the hardest in the family. My dad spent all of Christmas week with her in a hotel room and didnt even visit my mom. I know that my dad harbors no ill will towards me for that. We can afford it, so I'm not complaining. All I can say is that there are many reasons why we want to date and go on with our life. When two people are together for along period of time and one passes the other is not use to being alone. That same day, one of the part time workers called while we were there at his house (Irene) and showed up 30 minutes later. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. But I love him , he is a great man, I know he is not perfect but I know not one of us is perfect but we have to be kind. Our dedicated home care staff are specialists who provide a range of services according to their training, professional certification and experience. .I cant believe I found this website. She is making herself at home. I constantly encourage him to keep the relationship with them when he feels frustrated and misunderstood and wants to give up. There are still times I am so angry at him for choosing his girlfriend, over his family. I stumbled on this website in hopes of finding someone going through a similar situation. We are all somewhat scarred from all weve been through. Apparently my feelings and emotions didnt matter as I was read off an ultimatum. Ive watched Ive watched several of your videos tonight. He was not there for my husband as my husband went through the grief that his mothers death left. I have sometimes confided in someone only to find I felt worse after the chat Forgiveness will change your life and set you free. Try not to show anger toward your dad but approach him with kindness. Im just trying to have a good relationship. I cant say what it is that makes parents cast off their responsibilities towards those left behind but this website is a testament to the fact that they do. We just lost our mom , now we feel like we are losing him too! He had actually showed some sort of care for her. He just told me that he wants me to call her or come by to wish her a Happy Mothers day, he says she wants to be a mother to me. At this time of our lives we can make mistakes with relationships because we dont have the tools, awareness, and you become almost like a teenager, nave in some ways, excited about anything new, and different. His response about this has been so offensive that is has resulted in some family members wanting to not have any further contact with him. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. Dad has told us that he has never felt this way about anyone, that nothing can keep them apart, and that hes going to be selfish and do what he wants. It was exactly how I feel and sadly where I am at. Home After Moms Death, Daughter Struggles With Dads Girlfriend. And they got married one year after my mother passed away. Over 30 years this woman has caused havoc and hurt wherever she goes not just within our family but in her own. I was polite to her and to my dad. My father passed away in the spring of 2008 after being married to my mom for 40 years. Until they met her, people would say ,Well your father needs a life of his own and you wouldnt want him to be on his own. I bought this argument and struggled to forgive the huge and ongoing hurt. We suffered with them too as well as all the family members. If you do not take care of yourself, then you cannot help others. What you should do is to continue living your life, where you have already begun to put down roots. It is of course very sad that you and your twin I'm sure there are other Redditors who have experienced something like what you're experiencing, too, and would be willing to talk. I havent even gotten to the worst part yetshe is currently caring for her terminally ill husband! We have to do things we dont like sometimes.. its like working with someone you think you dont like, you dont just say Im not going to work with them, Im not ready.. nope, you do it , because we have to and a lot of times you end up liking that coworker.. be open , flexible and positive. Anyways any advise??? But for you being a young widow I think its astounding how you understand both sides of love and death now and like you said you can date and love someone again while at the same time never forgetting your first husband. It seems more like she is having a party instead of respecting my fathers memory. Your email address will not be published. All that matters is that she is respectful and sensitive and treats my father, my rock with the same as he treats her. So, to say I was blown away by my dads behavior two weeks after my moms funeral, is mild. Thank you so much for your advice. Not every person is going to be the right person to help you navigate your pain. Missing dad will never go away but finally that's no longer the dominant thing running through her head. We had to ask my dad if he could fit us into his schedule because they are soooo busy doing stuff. A little less then a year after my mother passed away my father went on a buiness trip and found himself a girl freind. My sisters have been amazing as well. while my mother told me all sorts of details about their crummy 38 year long marriage. Blaming your father or his girlfriend or anyone else who you feel has caused your sadness will not help you find happiness. But oddly, I feel like a very bad person and that dating him was something very bad. It helped him to see how someone else is suffering, and keep him on a level of reality that is easy to forget through depression and grief. Now, he is practically living with her. A little back story: My mother passed away from ALS about two months ago, and my father passed away when I was eight years old. She just needs a shoulder to cry on and be. I know! Also, I'm not sure how exactly I'm supposed to be feeling, and I'm wondering if maybe I'm not grieving enough because I am trying to be self-sufficient and go on with my life and not be extremely depressed over it all the time. Anyhow, my 73 year-old dad seemed to move on rather quickly after my moms death. However, I do not have to be as sensitive to my in-laws, because they are adults, and I am not responsible to them. She isnt bad looking, but still She came to a fundraiser at the ELEMENTARY school that I work at wearing said mini dress and hopped out of my dads raised pickup truck.. have some decency please! My brother accepted this woman with open arms immediately. Meaghan, when you bend over backwards, you are likely to lose your balance. I have supported them all the way why cant they both respect my late mother my mom lets her wear my late mothers clothes sleeps here and at their condo it bothers me Im wrong to feel this way? He doesnt acknowledge or appreciate any of the things that we do to try to make his wife feel accepted by us, he just dwells on what we dont do. We practice fire drills, so that in the event of an emergency, these things arent new to us. I have been excluded from dinners and gatherings and it feels terrible. Perhaps your father would do well to read some of these letters. To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often. Just four months ago I watched as my 28 year old sister cried because my Dad wanted to spend time with his girlfriend instead of her. We see her 6 kids, 40 grandkids, ex-daughter-in-laws & all kinds of rif-raf coming & going & trashing Dads house. She had her own house but sold it. The girl is only 25 years old. Its like salt in a gaping wound that will never heal. Your mom isn't even 50 yet, she can still get a job and maintain herself. From her arrival on the scene we were told like you were, that no issues we had counted at all and it was non-negotiable.
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